What Are You Willing to Tolerate?
Coaching Question of the Week
I’m kicking off something new to provide more practical tools while I continue working on my book. I’m excited to commit to a regular Action Step of the Week, but these take me a fair amount of time to put together. To make sure I’m still making progress on the book (mostly editing, let’s be honest), I’m scaling back just a bit. So, each week, I’ll be giving you a consistent, practical action you can take—because consistency is like pregnancy: you either are or you aren’t.
I’d love to get your feedback on this approach as I refine it for my large, diverse audience spread across 47 states and 34 countries. Your thoughts will help me make sure this resonates with all of you.
The Coaching Question
“What are you willing to tolerate?”
When to Use This Question
When a leader or teacher is frustrated by recurring issues but hasn’t taken action.
When addressing cultural norms that have become unproductive or harmful.
When a teacher or leader needs to set clearer expectations for staff or students.
When discussing boundaries and accountability in leadership or classroom management.
The Problem This Question Aims to Solve
Many leaders and educators unintentionally reinforce behaviors they don’t want simply by allowing them to persist. Whether it’s a toxic staff culture, inconsistent classroom management, or unaddressed inefficiencies, what is tolerated becomes the norm. This question forces reflection on personal and professional boundaries, accountability, and the unintended consequences of inaction.
The Research Behind It
Peter Drucker’s Organizational Culture Theory in Future of the Industrial Man (1942 - timeless) – What gets measured gets managed. But what is tolerated defines culture. Leaders shape school culture more by what they allow than what they say they expect.
James Clear’s Atomic Habits (2018) – Systems and behaviors are reinforced through repeated patterns. If a behavior is tolerated, it is silently encouraged, making it harder to change.
Brené Brown’s Dare to Lead (2018) – Clear is kind, unclear is unkind. Avoiding difficult conversations around expectations creates more dysfunction, not less.
Culture eats strategy for breakfast.
- Peter Drucker
Example Application in Coaching
Scenario: A teacher notices that some students are consistently talking during independent work time, which disrupts the class, but the teacher hasn't addressed it directly.
Coach: What are you willing to tolerate?
Teacher: I’ve been letting it go because I don’t want to seem too strict, but it’s definitely affecting the focus and flow of the lesson.
The coach could help the teacher develop a plan for setting clear expectations around classroom behavior (MVP), aggressive monitoring during independent work, narrating student behavior, and addressing disruptions in a way that maintains respect and encourages student accountability.
Additional Questions to Deepen the Conversation
“What message does your tolerance of this behavior send to others?”
“What would happen if you addressed this issue directly?”
“What would change if you set a firm boundary?”
Final Reflection for Coaches and Leaders
Leadership is defined not just by what we encourage, but by what we tolerate. Ask prompts reflection on the unspoken messages sent by inaction. Holding firm on expectations, with clarity and consistency, creates healthier, more productive school cultures.
I agree. It's a powerful question and nudges someone to think a bit more about what they are doing or not doing . It brings the other person in and makes it easier to have a conversation rather than a one sided speech.
What a powerful question - it made me think. This is going in my journal. 🙏🏻