What Part of Yourself Do You Feel the Need to Defend?
Coaching question of the week
The Coaching Question
“What part of yourself do you feel the need to defend?”
When to Use This Question
When a teacher or leader becomes emotionally reactive during feedback or coaching.
When someone is fixating on being right, respected, or validated in a way that seems disproportionate to the situation.
When you notice a strong protective response—such as defensiveness, shutdown, or justification.
When helping someone unpack a deeper emotional trigger tied to identity, self-worth, or past experience.
The Problem This Question Aims to Solve
Many reactions in coaching are not about the issue at hand—they’re about identity-level threats. When someone feels like their intelligence, care, effort, or value is being questioned, they go into defense mode. This question opens a reflective space where the coachee can name the part of themselves that feels exposed—and consider whether that defense is still necessary.
The Research Behind It
Robert Kegan’s Subject-Object Theory (1982) – Growth requires moving parts of the self from being “subject” (things we are) to “object” (things we can look at and reflect on). This question helps externalize emotional triggers.
Threat Response and Amygdala Hijack (Goleman, 1995) – When people feel their identity is at risk, they enter a threat response. This question can bring awareness to that state and shift the brain back toward reflection.
Disruptive Mindset Coaching (BOOK INCOMING - Lein, 2025) – Many disempowered beliefs stem from early identity formation and the stories people tell about what gives them worth. This question invites compassionate examination.
Example Application in Coaching
Scenario: A teacher receives feedback on their pacing and immediately responds, “I’ve always been known for my rigor. I don’t think anyone else is moving this fast.”
Coach’s Response: “What part of yourself do you feel the need to defend?”
Teacher’s Reflection: “Honestly, I think I’m afraid that if I slow down, I won’t look like a strong teacher anymore.”
Next Steps: The coach could affirm the teacher’s commitment to excellence and guide them to explore how pacing and student understanding can coexist.
Additional Questions to Deepen the Conversation
“What would it feel like to release the need to prove that?”
“Where do you think that protective instinct comes from?”
“How could you lead from that part of yourself rather than defend it?”
Final Reflection for Coaches and Leaders
This question gently invites vulnerability without pushing it. It acknowledges that under every defense is something precious—a core belief, a past wound, or a part of self seeking validation. When someone names what they’re protecting, they can start to soften, breathe, and lead from a place of wholeness rather than fear. Use this question when a moment of reactivity feels like a window into something deeper.