How to Share Frustration Without Throwing Colleagues Under the Bus
A congruence rehearsal
We’ve all been there: a conversation that starts as reflection, almost imperceptibly, into blame. The tension builds, the words tumble out, and before we know it, someone else’s name is sitting awkwardly in the middle of the table.
Frustration is a truth-teller. It shows up when something we value is being violated—clarity, fairness, belonging, purpose. But if we express that frustration without alignment between our emotion and our intention, it can fracture trust instead of building it.
The goal of congruence is coherence:
“My actions fit my values—today.”
When it comes to frustration, congruence means expressing what’s real without betraying what matters most.
This week, we are practicing congruence:
When You’re the Messenger
Frustration is easiest to share when we convince ourselves it’s justified. But being right doesn’t mean being effective. Your job as the messenger is to protect people and surface problems—to name patterns without naming villains.
Ask yourself before speaking:
What belief am I expressing through this frustration?
Is that belief still serving who I’m becoming?
For example:
“I’m frustrated because people keep missing deadlines” might actually mean
“I believe accountability matters—and I want to protect our shared standards.”
When you reconnect with the value underneath the feeling, you can voice frustration in a way that honors your integrity instead of venting from reactivity.
Concretely, try the following:
Focus on process, not personality.
Instead of: “They’re dropping the ball again.”
Try: “We’re losing time in the handoff process—can we clarify who owns which step?”Name impact, not offense.
“When communication breaks down, it creates confusion for staff and slows planning.”
Using we language invites collaboration instead of defensiveness. It keeps the frustration anchored in the work, rather than in personal grievances.
When You’re the Translator
Sometimes you’re not the one frustrated—you’re the one carrying the frustration of others upward. In that case, your responsibility is to turn emotion into insight.
Strip out names, keep the themes.
“There’s frustration about how last-minute changes are communicated.”Close with curiosity.
“What could we put in place to make things more predictable?”
You’re signaling that feedback isn’t gossip—it’s data for improvement.
When You’re the Receiver
This is the hardest—and most important—role. When people vent to you, they’re testing the space: Can I be honest without regret? Congruence means staying grounded enough to hold space without absorbing the heat.
Regulate before responding.
Don’t rush to fix. Listen for the value underneath the vent: Is this about fairness, clarity, belonging?
“I can tell this has been weighing on you. Let’s slow down and unpack what’s really at stake.”
Separate emotion from evidence.
Keep the conversation tethered to systems and behaviors.
“It sounds like this is less about who sent the message and more about the timing.”
Translate complaint into curiosity.
That question moves the energy from resentment to problem-solving.
“If we could wave a magic wand and fix one part, what would it be?”
Protect relationships, not reputations.
Validate the feeling without endorsing the judgment.
“I hear that created stress. Let’s think about how to prevent it next time.”
Share themes, not quotes.
If the issue needs to be elevated, summarize patterns instead of repeating names.
“There’s concern about communication timelines, especially around last-minute changes.”
Frustration handled well builds trust. Handled poorly, it becomes gossip disguised as candor.
The Congruence Takeaway
You can tell a lot about a culture by how it handles frustration. In healthy teams, frustration isn’t feared—it’s filtered through values. It becomes information the system can metabolize. A signal, not a symptom.
In struggling teams, frustration gets personalized. It becomes about people instead of patterns, and the room shifts from alignment to accusation.
Congruent leadership doesn’t eliminate frustration; it gives it a place to go.
It turns the emotional heat of the moment into clarity, insight, and forward motion.
Our work isn’t to suppress frustration or avoid hard truths. Our work is to hold them in alignment—to keep our integrity intact while we name what’s real, protect the people involved, and surface the problem beneath the emotion.
It’s the discipline of congruence: Transforming frustration into coherence so the system strengthens, not splinters.
I love this sentence stem: “Try: “We’re losing time in the handoff process—can we clarify who owns which step?”
Adaptive schools calls these “naive questions.” Very useful when skillfully deployed.