Chapter 3 Preview: Who Do You Need Me to Be?
Chapter 3: Empathy in Practice
Lana Mendez stepped into the fifth-grade math class to support students during their math block. Earlier in the week, she’d discovered the class, led by a well-meaning long-term substitute, was falling behind—by three days, in fact—and needed help completing many tasks. Acting quickly, Lana began teaching packed lessons to catch one group of fifth graders up while modeling for the substitute.
Lana approached Tamara Burns, the only other fifth-grade teacher, to collaborate. They planned for both classes to join Tamara’s room for the next day’s lesson. The students gathered on the floor as Tamara led instruction with Lana and the substitute assisting.
After the lesson, Lana and I sat down for a coaching session. As she shared updates, the topic of coaching Tamara arose. I encouraged Lana to identify an action step based on her observations, even though she hadn’t collected low-inference notes; the purpose wasn’t formal data collection but seizing a coaching opportunity. Every interaction can offer a chance to coach, even if the original intent was simply to support a math lesson.
After brainstorming, Lana settled on turn-and-talks as an action step. I paused, considering Tamara’s experience in that crowded classroom. Doubling the student count might make her hesitant to release so many kids into group discussions. Did we have enough evidence to recommend this? We began an evidence check:
Observational evidence: Had Lana ever seen Tamara do a turn-and-talk? If so, when and was it effective?
Lesson plans: Does the curriculum include turn-and-talks, and has Tamara incorporated them into her plans?
Other indicators: Has Tamara mentioned turn-and-talks in PD sessions or in casual conversation?
As we worked through this, Lana realized she couldn’t recall seeing Tamara use turn-and-talks before. Then, in Tamara’s lesson plan for that day, we spotted it—turn-and-talk was planned but went unexecuted.
“What does this say about the action step we chose?” I asked. “We can either stick with turn-and-talks as a high-impact step or pivot based on this new insight.” We had already brainstormed several potential steps, so we could revisit them.
Lana had been reflecting on accountability and holding teachers to high standards. She wanted to press on, saying, “That’s what we decided would have the greatest impact.”
Looking objectively, three facts stood out:
1. Tamara voluntarily took on two classes, doubling the mental and emotional demands of teaching that lesson.
2. She planned for turn-and-talks, which suggests she understands their value but didn’t implement them.
3. Lana hadn’t observed or provided feedback, so any coaching would arrive as an unexpected gift if framed well. But that feedback is still unexpectated.
This situation called for empathy-based coaching.
Well, every situation does.
In previous chapters, I introduced the structured framework for empathy-driven coaching, focusing on the core elements of Consideration (reflective thinking), Connection (active listening), and Commencement (persona initiation). Our goal is not a mechanical, step-by-step process but a seamless, intuitive response. Rigidly following, “First, empathize. Check. Then, listen. Check. Next, choose a persona,” becomes insincere and easily spotted by teachers.
This chapter will explore how empathy-based coaching is applied in impromptu and regular coaching. Since every interaction presents a coaching opportunity, coaches must be skilled at using this framework to serve better the teachers they support.
Impromptu Coaching and Empathy
Impromptu coaching is agile and responsive. Its strength is rooted in providing real-time support that prioritizes empathy. This approach shines in unscripted moments, offering timely guidance often when teachers face professional and emotional challenges.
The adaptability of impromptu coaching allows coaches to respond uniquely to each teacher’s immediate needs, building connections beyond resolving the issue. Whether it’s addressing a follow-up question from a professional development session or an urgent classroom management concern, impromptu coaching is frequent. It can be leveraged to enhance teacher capacity and strengthen a positive school culture.
Settings and Scenarios for Impromptu Coaching
Impromptu coaching can arise in many situations where teachers may benefit from immediate feedback or quick solutions.
Examples:
Instructional Challenges: Teachers may struggle with lesson flow, student participation, or pacing, prompting the need for real-time support.
Crisis Response: Teachers may experience a range of crises, from behavioral disruptions to unexpected student or parent concerns.
Staff Management: Coaches can assist teachers in navigating conflicts.
Personal Challenges: Teachers often face personal stressors that impact their professional lives.
Professional Development Sessions: Follow-up questions or uncertainties during training sessions may prompt on-the-spot coaching to reinforce understanding and application.
Unexpected Classroom Incidents: Coaches can guide teachers through unforeseen classroom events, from the bee that sabotaged the kindergarten classroom to the student who just walked out of class.
Reflective Discussions: Spontaneous conversations encourage teachers to reflect on recent lessons, helping to solidify learning through real-time feedback.
Decision-Making Processes: Coaches provide feedback during in-the-moment decision-making, such as how to proceed when quiz scores and homework turn-in rates are low.
Our Trained Response and Empathy
As a middle school teacher in Glendale, Arizona, I developed both healthy and unhealthy automatic responses to my students. Little quips and raised voices became routine, even after I learned better ways to address frustrating behaviors. Changing those ingrained habits proved challenging—sometimes, unlearning is just as vital as learning.
When we acquire new skills, like riding a bike, our brains undergo a process called skill acquisition. Initially, sensory systems encode the task, with visual and motor coordination guiding balance and movement. Through practice, neural pathways become more efficient, transferring control from conscious effort to automatic processes (Cherry, 2022).
Coaches develop their own automatic responses to stress and new information, often unconsciously. A coach’s reaction—whether empathetic or dismissive—can depend on deeply ingrained patterns influenced by self-awareness and emotional regulation. These patterns shape teacher interactions and can determine whether the support provided is meaningful or counterproductive.
Coaches must develop automaticity and fluidity in their responses to become more effective. By intentionally training our brains first to assess teachers’ needs through an empathetic lens, we can build the capacity to adapt in real-time, even under stress.
Unlearning old reactions is key to this process. The brain accomplishes this through synaptic pruning—gradually weakening outdated neural connections and strengthening new, adaptive ones. Just as learning to ride a backward bicycle requires deliberate effort to override traditional cycling habits, developing an empathy-first coaching approach takes intentional practice and focus.
Real growth as a coach involves rewiring your instincts to make empathy, quick assessment, and flexible adaptation of your default response. By pruning outdated habits, we create space for deeper, more meaningful interactions that empower the teachers we support.
Training Our Initial Reaction: Do You Have a Minute?
In previous chapters, we’ve discussed the importance of showing empathy as a first response. We know that reflective thinking—using perspective-taking, emotional resonance, and cognitive understanding—can take a moment to process. However, a teacher looking to you for support immediately notices your initial reaction. The response we offer in that first moment is vital.
As coaches, we want to give our undivided attention to teachers with concerns, but we often don’t know the nature of the issue when they approach us—it could range from a password problem to a classroom crisis. A response like, “Is this something that needs my immediate attention?” shows you’re open to urgency if it’s needed. Once it’s clear that the issue isn’t a crisis, the coach’s response can be guided by their style, workload, the teacher’s needs, and the school culture.
Examples:
Of course, I'm available. What's on your mind?
I'm interested in what you have to say. Please go ahead.
I have a few minutes now. Let's talk briefly. What's going on?
I want to understand your perspective. Please take your time.
I appreciate you reaching out. Let’s find a suitable time to discuss this further.
Nonverbal cues are equally essential. Tone and body language can turn “Sure, come on in” into a welcoming invitation or an unintended brush-off. Practicing active listening with open body language can make a world of difference.
Reflect on these questions when a teacher reaches out:
Have I assessed if this needs my immediate attention?
Did I evaluate my time capacity?
Am I practicing reflective thinking (perspective-taking, emotional resonance, cognitive understanding)?
The first reaction matters—make it count.
Regular Coaching Conversations and Coaching Fluidity
This text explores various coaching personas that coaches can adopt to meet diverse needs: first responder, buddy on the weekend, parent, therapist, consultant, professor, and coach. A coach’s adaptability to these personas enables them to respond effectively to different situations. However, the coaching persona is our primary aim, as it drives teacher practice forward most efficiently and maintains accountability for implementing changes. This persona centers on evidence-based decisions, a specific action step, and concrete practice.
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