Chapter 2 Preview: Who Do You Need Me to Be?

Chapter 2: The Recipe of Empathy

Kindergarten is hard. Anyone who has spent time with young children understands the truth behind that statement. But for veteran teacher Susan Miller, kindergarten meant even more. She had watched her first classes graduate high school, and every year seemed to improve. Her wall was filled with adorable cap-and-gown photos from proud parents on Facebook. Susan loved what kindergarten had been—well, what it used to be.

Like all other grades, kindergarten had changed since Susan first started teaching. Naps and life cycle projects once brought a sense of safety, calm, and childhood wonder.

But now? Standards, assessments, and curriculum maps—oh my! To Susan, it felt like the death of kindergarten as she knew it.

Her principal, Gwen Wilson, acted as Susan’s "coach." Even if their small town had enough resources for an instructional coach, Susan likely wouldn’t have been assigned one. She was too experienced—perhaps even too stubborn—for the district to think she needed coaching.

Gwen, on the other hand, had her own opinions and directives to manage. She had little patience for debates over “developmentally inappropriate” practices. To her, arguing over whether a computer-adaptive phonics test was appropriate was a waste of time. Of course, everyone agreed that sitting with a child and listening to them read was the ideal approach—but the district’s benchmark deadlines didn’t allow for that. Gwen felt powerless to change the situation. “Just get it done,” she would say behind closed doors.

As you might expect, Susan and Gwen didn’t always see eye to eye. They clashed over everything from PBS Kids videos to the structure of learning centers, to the never-ending “Is a clip chart still appropriate?” debate. To Susan, Gwen seemed obsessed with outcomes. To Gwen, Susan was stuck in the past.

It sounds like the perfect recipe for an empathy disaster, right? Actually, no.

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The Recipe of Empathy

Empathy-based coaching is much like a chef navigating the unpredictability of a mystery-box challenge on Chopped or MasterChef. Just as a chef assesses a variety of unknown ingredients to create a dish, a coach never knows what a teacher may bring into the conversation until the moment arrives. The first step is reflective thinking. In the culinary world, this is the moment a chef pauses to determine if the ingredients are best suited for dinner or dessert. Similarly, in coaching, reflective thinking quickly assesses a teacher’s needs by seeing things from their perspective and resonating with their emotions.

Coaches, like chefs, must be ready to adjust when things don’t go as planned—whether it's an unexpected ingredient flaw or a coaching session where the initial plan doesn’t fit the moment. Active listening, akin to carefully tasting each ingredient as it’s added to a dish, allows a coach to fully engage with their teacher, listening deeply to determine the right direction for the conversation.

Once a coach fully understands the moment's needs, persona initiation comes into play. This is like choosing a dish's suitable method or technique after assessing the ingredients. In coaching, the right persona is selected—therapist, consultant, or buddy, among others—based on the teacher's needs. Both coaching and cooking are about being adaptable, responsive, and intentional in every decision to create something meaningful, whether it’s a dish or a deeper connection.

Reflective Thinking

In empathy-driven coaching, the first and most essential step is reflective thinking—what I like to call the Consideration phase. The cognitive and emotional work begins as the coach pauses to assess the teachers’ experiences, emotions, and thought processes before diving into solutions, action steps, or advice. Think of it as opening the mental “mystery box” and truly understanding what’s inside.

Reflective thinking involves three fundamental processes:

1. Perspective-taking: Imagining yourself in the teacher’s shoes to understand their experiences and worldview.

2. Cognitive understanding: Using logic and knowledge to make sense of the teacher’s situation.

3. Emotional resonance: Connecting with their emotions, even if those emotions differ from your own.

Even though Gwen focused on outcomes, she understood the importance of pausing to reflect on Susan’s years of teaching and the emotional weight of those changes. When Gwen asked about the units that brought Susan the most joy in the past, she wasn’t just making small talk—she was engaging in reflective thinking, recognizing Susan’s deep connection to her teaching history.

Reflective thinking is all about answering these key questions:

• What has this teacher experienced? Susan’s long career has been shaped by various educational shifts, making her resistant to sudden changes. She’s likely had success with traditional methods and may feel validated by past results, while previous struggles with new policies could have reinforced her skepticism. Her relationships with students and colleagues and her history with leadership have influenced her sense of authority and ownership in her work. These experiences may make her cautious about adopting unfamiliar practices, especially when they feel imposed from above.

• What could this teacher be feeling? Susan might feel overwhelmed and anxious about the new curriculum and assessment changes. These shifts could trigger fears of losing control or relevance, leading to frustration or even burnout. While she may outwardly appear resistant, she might also seek validation and support, feeling that her expertise isn’t acknowledged. Emotionally, she could be suppressing her concerns in some settings while expressing frustration in others, depending on how supported she feels.

• What could this teacher be thinking? Susan likely believes the changes conflict with her proven teaching methods, and she may be thinking, “Why change what works?” Her values drive her resistance, and she could weigh the risks and consequences of adapting for her students and her career. She might also question whether leadership truly understands her perspective and seeks more open dialogue and collaboration.

Ultimately, reflective thinking deepens the connection between coach and teacher, helping both parties find more meaningful pathways forward, even if the result doesn’t involve resolution. Reflective thinking is about empathy in action—understanding, honoring, and valuing the teacher’s experience before deciding how best to proceed.