Chapter 1 Preview: Who Do You Need Me to Be?

A look at how we leverage empathy in coaching.

This week, I was privileged to write for Dr. Chris Culver, consultant for Orange Sparrow, LLC. where I previewed some of the content in Who Do You Need Me to Be? If you haven’t read 4 Things to Know About Empathy-Driven Coaching, please read it. It will give you a decent summary of what is forthcoming in the book.

This is the first time I am putting this behind a paid wall, and I am doing this for a couple of reasons:

1. I’m terrified. There are a lot of you now.

2. I am still trying to figure out what to do with this book. I don’t have a publisher or deadlines, and I have very little strategy. I am just writing and hoping for the best.

3. I want feedback! I may get more input from a smaller group of trusted friends.

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Chapter 1: Coaching and Empathy

Ms. Heather Ratchet began teaching kindergarten with little experience with five-year-olds. As the pitter-patter of feet filled the hallway, Heather’s expression shifted from neutral to almost sad. Her voice carried frustration and dread as the students entered the classroom. They wandered, hid in cubbies, hit friends, and yelled at each other at the slightest provocation. After weeks of observation with minimal progress and action steps piling up without mastery, I realized an intervention was necessary.

We tried the typical strategies: re-establishing entrance procedures with a handshake or smile, giving assertive directions, narrating positive behavior, and more. Heather would try for a few days, but chaos would soon return. Weeks passed, leaving me scratching my head, wondering what was missing.

I took a step back and asked myself stepback questions (see appendix) to reassess. Finally, I decided to ask directly.

Jo: I am just racking my brain about this one, and we need to figure it out. I have to ask you, Heather, how are you? 

Heather: Well, you know. It is tough. 

Jo: No. I mean it. How are you? 

Heather: <Pauses, then sighs> I have been better. 

Jo: I know. I can see it on your face every time I am here. I know that you are struggling. However, I can assure you that you have the tools to fix this. We haven’t figured it out yet, but it doesn’t mean we won’t. What do you think is the matter here?

Heather: They just don’t listen. I guess I am used to older kids. 

Jo: Let’s break that down even more. You have some experience with older kids that made you successful. What made you successful in that context?

Heather: I got to know them and used that in how I interacted with them. 

Jo: What is holding you back from doing that with these guys?

Heather: They are just so tiny. 

After further discussion, we decided to focus on relationship building. Heather would learn small things about each student—what they liked, who they lived with, what made them tick—and use that knowledge in small ways. We practiced with Max, who liked Paw Patrol. The following day, she planned to greet him with a fist bump and a Paw Patrol reference: "Max is on a roll!"

The next day, I received a text from Heather: “Max was awesome today!” That was it. She caught the relationship bug. Over the next few weeks, her classroom transformed. Heather could now use the strategies we had practiced, empowered by something even stronger: trust.

Behind the scenes for the weeks leading up to this dramatic transformation, I wasn’t sure if I could help. I told my partner, "I’m not sure how to help someone be a good person." Heather clearly didn’t like her students, and everyone could see it. I had to step into her shoes and practice empathy.

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Empathy in Coaching

Teaching is harder than ever. Staffing shortages force teachers to take on extra responsibilities, school shootings loom in the background, and many students barely show up to class. Teachers take on roles beyond educator—nurse, counselor, parent—and they need effective coaching rooted in empathy.

Coaching is about supporting individuals to achieve their goals and maximize their potential. In schools, coaches work with teachers to identify strengths and weaknesses and develop strategies to overcome challenges. To do this effectively, coaches must understand their teachers’ perspectives and provide tailored support sensitive to their unique circumstances.

Empathy is how we connect and respond to others’ emotions. The Greek root "-pathy" means connection. Empathy builds trust, which is essential for engagement in the coaching process. When teachers feel understood, they are likelier to follow through on commitments. Empathy is not a soft skill; it’s a leadership competency that helps coaches create tailored interventions based on their teachers’ emotional and motivational drivers.

Truthfully, I had a hard time empathizing with Heather. Her students were precious and always tried hard to meet expectations. They were misguided, especially when they hit each other. I had to make a conscious choice to connect with her experience. I chose empathy rather than dismissing her behaviors as non-compliant or as evidence that she would not make it as a teacher. I decided to be her coach, but this was hard sometimes. 

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Empathy and New Learning

One of the key roles of a coach is facilitating teacher learning. This typically involves one-on-one coaching sessions that review classroom evidence, identify a narrow action step, and practice that action step. Group sessions, such as grade-level meetings or professional development days, can also help facilitate learning. Just as students must connect with teachers to learn best from them, teachers must be able to learn from their coaches.

What’s the connection between empathy and learning? While direct research on this is limited, related studies provide insight. Emotions heavily influence cognitive load. According to John Sweller’s cognitive load theory, intense emotions like stress, anxiety, or frustration can increase cognitive load, making learning harder. High cognitive load overwhelms working memory, disrupting information processing. Empathy helps coaches recognize and address a teacher’s emotional state, reducing cognitive burdens and optimizing conditions for learning.

Just as students' mental capacities and processing abilities vary, teachers have different emotional responses to learning situations. Coaches who practice empathy can understand these emotional variations and adjust their approach accordingly. Coaches reduce cognitive load and enhance information retention by tailoring instruction to each teacher’s emotional state.

I had a student, José, whose emotions swayed easily—especially during Math. It was as though Math and José were mortal enemies. Most days, when I asked my first question, José had already mentally given up. I had to learn his emotional triggers and adjust my questioning. Instead of asking, “What’s the next step?” I’d ask, “What’s 3 times 5, José?” Small wins like these boosted his confidence, making him sit up a little taller. Teachers do this naturally with their students, adjusting expectations based on what makes them tick. Coaches, too, need this nuanced understanding of how emotions impact a teacher’s capacity to learn.

Unfortunately, not all coaches have translated their classroom-based emotional intelligence into their coaching roles. The point is this: Coaches must learn how their people react emotionally to gauge their readiness for new learning.

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Empathy’s Role in Engagement and Learning

Connection and empathy create a psychologically safe environment where teachers can explore their thoughts and experiences without fear of judgment. This kind of safety encourages open and honest communication, leading to deeper insights and growth. When teachers feel safe and trust their coach, they’re more willing to share their challenges and engage in the coaching process. Without this connection, teachers may withhold important information or disengage altogether.

Engagement is coaching. It’s not just about formal sit-down conversations in an office; it’s about spontaneous, authentic daily interactions. Emotional engagement directly impacts cognitive load and information processing. When teachers are emotionally invested in their growth, their cognitive load decreases, leading to improved learning outcomes. Coaches who connect with their teachers’ interests, motivations, and personal lives—who recognize that teachers don’t “live” at school—can design more engaging, emotionally resonant learning experiences.